Upside Down
by thecosmicwind
Summary: He was living the typical life; a great job and the most beautiful family. Then, his new partner came along and over the course of two years, she turned his world upside down. One night, Elliot thinks about his brunette partner - and he realizes the impact she's had on him. Takes place February 2000; almost two years into their partnership. Season One Bensler. Rated T.


**Hi guys!**

 **I'm back again! Just a lil baby Bensler one shot idea I had after watching Nocturne from season one! Takes place around the time of that episode - February 2000 (according to the episode time cards). Olivia and Elliot have been partners for almost two years. Read on; flashbacks in italics.**

 **Enjoy xoxo**

* * *

 **Upside Down [ONESHOT]**

He sat in the living room of his home minutes after his wife left her spot on the arm of the sofa to go upstairs to the bed they share. A cold beer was in his hands, condensation spilling down the sides of the glass bottle and leaving a wet patch on the trousers he wore to work. It had been one hell of a day for sure and he hadn't talked about it – at least not to his wife. But it wasn't just the horrors of his day that were plaguing his mind. No; it was the words that had just slipped from his wife's lips.

" _Do you talk to Olivia about it?"_

The question had rolled off her tongue; Elliot could hear the bite in her tone. He responded with a simple _"She's my partner"._ His wife gave him one last glance before leaving the room, saying nothing more as she slipped up the stairs, leaving him in the dim living room. He responded with the safe answer; the _'she's my partner'_ was safe. His wife – God…he couldn't tell her everything he was thinking. Just like he couldn't tell her about his day, he couldn't tell her what was going through his mind at the pure mention of his partner's name. It would crush her, and that was the last thing he wanted to do – crush her soul.

He lifted the bottle to his lips and took a swig before licking his lips to remove the remnants of the alcoholic beverage from his mouth. He was thinking now; not so much about his day, but about his partner – his _work_ _partner_. He closed his eyes, remembering the day he first met her.

 _It was nearly two years ago now – May 1998. His partners were going and coming; his most recent partner was someone that talked to him as if he were incompetent and wanted to make all the decisions – something that would've gotten them both killed. When his Captain – Donald Cragen – told him that he was getting a new partner, he groaned inwardly. 'Not another one; I can't handle this.' He thought to himself as he sat at his desk that morning, fiddling with his pencil whilst looking through a case file._

 _Probably about half an hour after Cragen had delivered that news, the man was calling his name again; "Stabler – my office, now!" His fellow detectives – John Munch, Brian Cassidy, and Monique Jeffries – all smirked and chuckled; they knew of his bad luck with partners and found it hilarious how he seemed to go through them so quickly. He smirked at them before slipping into his captain's office, seeing the back of a small woman with dark hair. She was dressed in a pair of black trousers and black shoes, and a blue shirt with a black blazer._

 _And when she turned around, he swore his heart skipped a beat._

 _He lost himself for a moment in what were the most sparkling, bright, beautiful brown eyes he had ever seen in his life. They were so brown and shiny, almost like the shiniest melted pools of chocolate. She wore some eyeliner and burgundy lipstick; her lips looked soft and plump as they curled into a wide, friendly smile. Her dark brunette bob danced along her shoulders. She was so small, so delicate looking; almost as if she was too small and nice to work in this unit. He blinked a couple times as he looked at her; he felt his lips curling into a smile. He had an instinct straight away to protect her, to make sure she was alright._

" _This is your new partner, Detective Olivia Benson from the five-five in the Bronx," Cragen was introducing them; he watched the woman hold a scrawny hand out, "Detective Benson, this is Detective Elliot Stabler; he'll be your partner."_

" _Great to meet you." She smiled happily. Her voice was smooth like silk. He felt like his heart was about to beat out of his chest as he enclosed his large hand around her smaller one._

" _Nice to meet you as well," he then dropped her hand, still smiling, "Um…shall I show you to your desk?"_

" _Sure." The friendly smile didn't leave her face; her eyes were still shimmering in the lights of their captain's office. He watched her reach for the rather full, large box sitting on the chair in front of Cragen's desk, which he realized was to be full of her various trinkets and such. He reached in and grabbed it for her, scooping it up; "I got it; come on." He gestured for her to follow; she gave him a timid smile and a 'thank you' before following him over to the joined desk that was directly in front of his._

He smiled at the memory. That same woman that he met that day, the woman he thought was _'too fragile'_ to work in such a unit, was the woman who had proven him wrong countless times over the last couple years since he met her. She wasn't this _fragile_ human being. She had a bubbly personality of course; she was friendly, everyone around the office loved her of course. But there was something else about her; the way she confidently held her head up and walked around the squad room, the way she wouldn't hesitate to rough up some of the sickest perps with her bare hands even when they were twice her size, or the way her eyes were full of fire and the passion was present in her voice when it was time to go to bat for a victim. Olivia Benson was far from fragile. Olivia Benson was a warrior.

When he introduced her to his family, it was innocent enough. It was around September of 1998, about four months after they first became partners. They had managed to finish work early, and whilst talking to Kathy on the phone, she asked him to invite Olivia to dinner. He consulted with Olivia after the phone call, and while she was hesitant at first, she eventually agreed to join him.

 _Darkness had fallen over New York City. It was cold for September, but the two individuals in the car were comfortable as they rode along with the heat blasting away. They were laughing together as they talked; they had pushed away the stresses of their crazy job and were just discussing various aspects of their lives, finding even more things that they had in common. They had been partners for four months now, yet they were still learning so much about each other. He just loved having her around. Her personality was so bubbly and heartwarming; everyone loved her. He especially loved having her around. She was a far cry from his previous partners, and he could just see that she would be sticking around for a while longer._

 _He pulled into the driveway of the large two-story home. He shut off the car, before stepping out of the vehicle along with her. Their shoulders bumped, and their steps were in sync as they walked up to the front door; she was looking at the house in awe. "This is stunning." She complimented, to which he smiled and thanked her whilst he unlocked the large oak front door. He then allowed her to slip into the warm home first before he then slipped in behind her. After closing and locking the door behind him, he led her to the kitchen. His wife – a blonde haired slim woman – was pottering around as she finished preparing dinner. A slightly shorter blonde-haired teenager was placing the finished dishes onto the dining table in the middle of the room. She looked up, smiling when she noticed him._

" _Hey Dad." She greeted, walking over to him. He gave her a hug and kissed her forehead, before greeting his wife with a kiss on the cheek. However, he could see his wife's face when she caught sight of the brunette woman behind him – she had a shocked look on her face, and he couldn't understand why._

" _Kath, this is Olivia – my partner," he gestured for Olivia to come over, "Olivia, this is my wife Kathy," he gestured to the shorter blonde-haired girl, "And this is my daughter Maureen."_

" _It's nice to meet you Olivia." Maureen greeted, a happy smile on her face as she shook the woman's hand._

" _Yeah, really nice." Kathy spoke in a slightly less enthusiastic voice than her daughter. Elliot watched as the two women shook hands, and a feeling of anxiety washed over him. He was confused as to why Kathy was a little deflated at the sight of Olivia. She knew that he had a new partner, she knew that the partner was a female. What was the problem? She said she trusted him, so what was the problem?_

 _Olivia gave them her friendly smile as she spoke; "Likewise – Elliot's told me about all of you; thank you for the dinner invite."_

" _Well we're glad you could come over, Olivia; I think it's-"_

" _Hi Dad!"_

" _Hey Daddy!"_

" _Hi Daddy!"_

 _Elliot looked up from the interaction between his daughter and Olivia, only to find his other three children racing into the kitchen. The two little ones immediately hugged his legs while the taller one leaned in for a kiss on the cheek. He fussed over them for a bit before gesturing towards Olivia;_

" _This is Olivia; she works with me and came over for dinner tonight…" he gestured to each of the children as he introduced them; "This is Kathleen, and this is Dickie, and this is Lizzie."_

 _The children simultaneously greeted the woman with a hello, and upon realizing that she was a real lady cop too, Dickie and Lizzie immediately became fascinated with the woman and decided that she was the most interesting person to talk to. Elliot chuckled as he watched them lead grab her hands and lead her over to the table, pushing her to sit down before then standing there and asking her questions about being a cop and all that. Maureen and Kathleen laughed as they finished helping with dinner, but Kathy was nonchalant and continued to quietly finish up the dinner, something that concerned Elliot at the time._

 _Dinner actually went well, following the awkward reactions from Kathy. Dickie and Lizzie were still asking her questions about being a 'lady cop', and Kathleen and Maureen even got some questions in as well. Kathy made the effort to get to know the woman as well, but Elliot didn't miss the way she would glance at her whilst she wasn't paying attention. He realized it later; that was the look Kathy used to give his former partner that was a woman, a look as if she was jealous or felt threatened by her. He knew he would have to talk to her later, but for now, he just pushed it to the back of his mind and enjoyed dinner. He was glad that his kids were enjoying speaking to Olivia, as he had been initially worried about their reactions as well since they hadn't taken to kindly to his last partner._

 _After dinner and dessert – and after chatting for a little while – Olivia realized that she best head home as they did have work early in the morning. While Elliot was grabbing his jacket and keys, so he could drive her back home, he could hear his daughters Kathleen and Maureen, telling Olivia how much they enjoyed having her over and how they hoped she would come back again. Even Lizzie and Dickie were excitedly telling her how cool she was and how they wanted her to come back, and this made him smile. Over dinner, she had been so friendly and welcoming, answering the many questions his children had, laughing with them. Even when there was a bit of a bite in Kathy's tone sometimes if she asked her questions, she remained cordial and friendly, answering with the enthusiasm that she always seemed to have. He enjoyed having her over for dinner, and the fact that his kids were getting along with her too was great._

 _He returned downstairs, finding her standing at the door with his kids standing with her, chatting away. He smiled as he walked up to them, encouraging his children to say goodnight so he could take Olivia back home. They all did so; his heart fluttered for some reason when he saw Kathleen hug Olivia as tight as possible, telling her that she hoped to see her again. He could tell that Olivia was initially taken aback, but she hugged her in return and told her that she'd definitely see her again. Kathy did come from the kitchen for a bit and tell Olivia that it was nice to meet her, before turning back to go into the kitchen. Olivia gave her a smile before looking at Elliot, telling him that she was ready to head home. He smiled and led her out of the house, his heart going crazy now for reasons that he was yet to understand._

He took another swig of the beer, closing his eyes as more memories swarmed around in his head. He remembered how Olivia told him that night how nice his family was; he noticed that she was totally unfazed by Kathy's behavior, or maybe she hadn't paid it any attention. She was gushing over how nice his kids were and how much she enjoyed talking to them all. In the weeks following, she would often ask about his kids such as how they were doing in school and such, something that made him smile as it was nice that she took an interest in his life.

But there was something else about Olivia that drew him in, and that was the way she didn't talk much about her own life. She had mentioned when she first came into the unit that the only family she really had was her mother. As their first year as partners drew on, she began to let him see into some of the deepest parts of her soul. It was one night after one particular case that Elliot found out the first part of the pain she carried. It had been an awful child abuse case from an addicted mother; the child had died due to his injuries and the detectives later learned from the mother herself that she hated her child, because every time she saw him, she saw her rapist. Elliot had noticed her quiet behavior throughout the whole case and had finally questioned her about it at the end.

" _Something's bothering you, Liv; talk to me."_

 _They were sitting upstairs in her apartment. She had changed into a pair of sweats and a long sleeved top whilst he sat on the sofa still in his clothes from work, minus his jacket as he had it draped over the arm of the couch. It was January of 1999 now. The New York City nights were frigid during this time of year, there were flurries of snow that were falling every now and then. Olivia had the heat blasting in full force in her apartment and had just returned to the sofa with a cup of coffee for them both. She sat herself down and wrapped her blanket over her shoulders, whilst he eyed her._

 _They'd been partners for almost a year, and Elliot had seen Olivia as this confident, bubbly, street smart officer that barely let anything bother her. However, today's case had obviously gotten to her, especially during the interrogation scene when the mother blurted out the cruel words, stating that she hated her son. He had seen the color drain from Olivia's face and she had wobbled slightly when she stood up, leading him to quickly stand up and place a hand on his shoulder to check on her. She shook him off and told him to continue the interrogation, before retreating from the room._

 _Now, he wanted to know what was going on._

" _Nothing Elliot; it's nothing." She muttered before taking a sip of the hot liquid. Elliot looked at her, a solemn expression on his face. He was worried. Her eyes weren't sparkling as much as they normally were; she had a glum expression on her face as she focused on the television. He normally would let something like this go, but there was something about Olivia that he refused to let go. She clearly had something going on in her head, and he wasn't going to sit there and let whatever was bothering her torment her. He wanted his bubbly partner back, and dammit, he was going to get her._

 _He reached forward and grabbed the remote, and with one click of a button, the television had switched off. Olivia whirled around to face him with a perplexed expression on her face, but he put the remote aside and leaned on his elbows, turning his head to look at her._

" _Tell me what's wrong, Liv." He didn't know when he suddenly started calling her 'Liv'; it rolled off his tongue so effortlessly one day. He'd originally thought she didn't like the nickname, but she simply smiled and soon after, started calling him 'El'._

 _He watched her shift uncomfortably; she moved around and curled one leg under her whilst leaving the other dangling over the edge of the sofa. She then let out a sigh, resting her elbow on the arm of the sofa and her chin on the palm of her hand. She tilted her head to look at him, biting her lip before swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat. Elliot gave her a small, encouraging smile._

" _That case today – it really got to me, and there's a reason why," she paused for a second and Elliot sat up slightly, immediately concerned as to what she was going to say; "I just…I didn't want anyone to give me some sympathetic look, especially you."_

" _Liv, hang on; first of all, whatever you tell me will stay between us – I won't tell a soul; and second, I wouldn't look at you like that." He assured her._

 _Olivia gave a small nod, pursing her lips together for a second before turning to him; "Promise?"_

" _I promise," he gave her an encouraging smile, "Tell me what's wrong."_

 _There was silence for a bit. Elliot was worried about her. He wondered what was going through her mind. He was slowly starting to realize that his instinct to protect her was growing stronger, beyond the levels of partnership. He wanted to protect her like a friend. He wanted to make sure she was alright; not only physically, but mentally as well. Olivia was tough physically, but it was clear that there were demons that plagued her mind and that worried him. He knew what it was like to struggle with the horrors, to have something plague your mind that it sent you into a dark place sometimes. He didn't want that for Olivia. He just wanted her to be okay. He had never had this feeling with any of his past partners; Olivia was different – he needed to protect her, from everything._

" _My mother has been struggling with alcoholism off and on – mostly on – for years," she slowly explained, fiddling with a loose string on her sweatpants;_

" _I noticed it when I was around seven, but I didn't understand. She would drink a lot, always be so spaced out; I started having to take care of myself because she was always sleeping and stuff – things like that. When I was eight, she started getting aggressive – yelling at me all the time, then it got physical. I would go to school with bruises and stuff, telling people I fell over and all that, then I started hiding the bruises by wearing long shirts and stuff. I came to realize that if I didn't talk about the abuse, I could pretend it wasn't happening. I just didn't understand why, you know?"_

 _He watched her, a feeling of dread in his stomach. He was worried about what she was going to admit, but he forced himself to keep a calm expression. He shuffled a little closer, listening intently whilst she took a deep breath to continue._

" _I found out when I was twelve. She dragged me into the living room after school one day, sat me down, and blurred out that every time she looked at me, she saw my father – she called him an evil bastard, told me he raped her, and that I was the product of that rape. Every time she was drunk, she told me how much she hated me; so, as you imagine, I heard those words about ninety percent of the time."_

 _She then turned to him, allowing him to see the tears glistening in her brown orbs;_

" _That's why this case bothered me. That woman reminded me of my mother, and everyday, I remind myself that it's a miracle that she didn't beat me to death."_

 _Elliot watched as she hung her head, finally allowing the tears to escape her brown eyes. She squeezed them shut and sniffled slightly, and Elliot suddenly couldn't stop himself. She had just revealed one of the darkest pieces of her to him, and that was an incredibly brave thing for her to do._

 _And now she was hurting._

 _Before he could stop himself, he had pulled the smaller woman into a hug. She relaxed against him, sobbing on his shoulder whilst he kept his arm around her, rubbing her arm whilst whispering words of encouragement to her. He felt the strongest instinct to comfort her whilst she cried, and that's exactly what he was going to do. He kept a strong arm around her as he leaned back on the sofa, allowing her to keep her head on his shoulder. He pressed a light kiss into the crown of her head before simply keeping hold of her, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing he could take the pain away from her._

He took another swig of the beer, shaking his head as he opened his eyes again. The moment of holding her in his arms was replaying in his mind like a loop, over and over again, driving him crazy. That was January of 1999, nearly a year into their partnership, and it was then that he realized there was a bit of a shift between them. They had already crossed over into being friends, but now, it was shifting into something deeper – and that scared him.

" _You're married Stabler; you're married."_ He told himself over and over as he remained staring blankly at the wall in front of him. He fiddled with the beer bottle in his hands. As much as he tried to stop his mind from wandering to Olivia, that was where it seemed to be – and that was becoming more and more frequent.

The shiny band of gold around his finger clinked against the bottle, and that caused a feeling of guilt to come over him.

Since that night where she had finally showed him such a personal, painful part of herself, it was as if things had completely changed – in a good way, but in a way that also scared him. He found himself longing to spend more time with her, found himself longing to go to work and see her, to see if she had a great night. Their bond was something that he had never had with anyone before. One look at each other and they knew what the other was thinking. One look into her eyes and all the rage he felt towards a situation would suddenly disappear. The way she would put her hand on his shoulder or playfully poke his chest, or even when she would squeeze his bicep when she walked by him in the mornings; all of it sent chills down his spine and made his heart race.

He even found himself starting to watch her whilst they were working. When they were doing an interrogation, the way she circled a perp and hovered over his shoulder like a fierce, protective lioness was something that practically made him weak at the knees, his eyes glued to her as she waltzed the table. When she was at her desk doing paperwork and he was sitting across from him, he found himself lifting his eyes from his own work and looking over at her, admiring the delicate way her hair framed her face or the way she would twirl her fingers around her hair. She was tough when they were in the streets chasing down the sickest of criminals, but when she was just sitting at her desk, innocently working on her work and looking at him every now and then with that bright smile, it was then that he noticed the delicate feminine side of her. She was wonderful; simply wonderful.

He knew what was stirring inside of him when it came to her, and it fucking scared him so much. He only realized it was stirring, when he found out she slept with one of their now former co-workers, Brian Cassidy.

 _He watched her until she made her way over to her locker to grab her messages that had been placed inside her pouch and to get some things from her locker. He had already heard the rumors; she and Brian Cassidy had hooked up. His first instinct was to go punch the young detective in the face, but it wasn't as if he was bragging or playing with Olivia's feelings, so he really had no reason to meddle._

 _But still, he wanted to talk to her – and wanted to know why things seemed so awkward between her and Brian now._

 _He went over to the lockers, leaning against the cold metal and whispering; "How long have you been sleeping with Cassidy?"_

 _She froze for a second, before speaking again; "Um...I'm not."_

" _Your stomach just dropped two floors, Olivia," he leaned closer, "The unconscious does not lie."_

" _I'm not lying…not much," she swallowed, folding her arms across her chest, "Is it that obvious?"_

" _I'm your partner, for better or worse…" he winked._

 _He meant that; he really was her partner for better or worse. As she listened to him speak about how she had broken a personal rule and how Cassidy now wanted to see her again, he had to keep a straight face and not show the jealousy that was bubbling to the surface. He had no idea why he was feeling jealous. Why should he feel jealous? She was a beautiful, single woman and he was a married father of four. She had every right to date whoever she wanted to date, and he had no right to stick his nose into her business. When she explained that she had no time for an actual relationship at the moment, he told her to be nice to Cassidy and he'd probably get over it after a while, before changing the subject; "Cragen wants us." He uttered before walking away, breathing out as he rounded the corner._

That's how he knew that something had shifted between him and Olivia, especially on his part – the _jealousy._ He cursed himself every time he felt it. He had no right at all to be jealous of who she was with, even though the thought of her dating anyone repulsed him. For a long time, he had been trying to deny the reason he felt this way and put it up to 'looking out for her' or 'making sure she was with the right person'. But no; he knew what this was really about, and that real reason frightened him.

"You're married." He muttered to himself, focusing his gaze on the beer bottle in his hands. He caught sight of that band of gold on his finger again and continued to repeat the mantra in his head;

 _You're married._

 _You're married._

 _You're married._

 _You're marr-_

"Fuck." He uttered to himself, rubbing a calloused hand over his jaw. His brain was a scrambled mess of thoughts. Elliot had never felt this way about anyone before other than the woman that was currently upstairs in his bed, and dammit, what he was feeling now for the brunette he worked with was stronger than what he had felt for her.

He didn't regret any of his children. They were his pride and joy; four beautiful miracles that were the light of his life and made each day worth living. He even loved the woman he was married to for giving him those four beautiful babies humans, for making him a father even though it came at a time where he hadn't expected it to happen. Seventeen was such a young age to become a parent, but it happened, and he didn't regret it because his little Maureen had really changed his life.

But he wondered what his life would have been like had he not been forced to grow up and get married at seventeen. Would things be different?

Would _Olivia_ be his?

That woman had turned his life upside down in the space of two years almost. He had been content in the little bubble of love surrounding his typical middle class American family; beautiful wife and four beautiful children. But then, Olivia walked into his life and it all flipped around. The more he got to know her, the more he couldn't stop the strongest of bonds to form, and the more he couldn't stop the feelings from developing.

He felt like such a bastard – being a married man, but developing feelings for his single, beautiful, brunette partner.

" _The heart wants what it wants, Elliot."_ A small voice spoke in his head. He rolled his eyes and took another swig of his beer before leaning his head back, closing his eyes again.

The shrill ring of the telephone caused him to jump. He checked his watch; it was after midnight. He knew only one person who would call at this hour; they were currently in Manhattan in their single bedroom apartment, and they couldn't sleep.

He grabbed the phone; "Stabler."

 _"El."_

He closed his eyes, swallowing when he heard her voice. He composed himself before asking; "Can't sleep either, eh?"

 _"No,"_ there was some shuffling around; he heard the clinking of a mug on a surface; _"Can we talk?"_

"Course we can; I think we both need it anyway."

He needed it. He fucking needed to talk to her. He listened to her soft voice as he began talking and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

Only she could stop the thoughts swirling in his head from the horrors of the day. There was no doubt about it. Olivia Benson was the other half of his soul, and as much as that scared him, he couldn't deny himself of that information. She knew everything, she understood everything – she was _everything._ He couldn't do anything about the feelings he felt; he couldn't have her in that way, but he would settle to have her as his best friend.

Maybe one day things would be different. Maybe one day he'd be able to show her how she changed his life and opened his mind to new ways of thinking, how she stirred something in him that both frightened and excited him. But until that day came, he would settle for this – late night phone conversations with the one woman that understood everything about him.

He felt safe with her, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

 _ **Well, let me know what you all thought about this. Until next time... xoxo**_


End file.
